As I meditate before I begin my day, I am trying to make sense to what the message was all about. I believe it was my ego. I have been pushing hard lately for change in myself, and sometimes when you so desperately want change, and want it RIGHT NOW, it will never happen. You simply cannot force change.
I have to quit playing my stupid damned story in my head: "I will be physically beat, or yelled at that I am stupid or worthless, or even worse, if I speak my truth, if I stand up for myself, or if I do anything for myself, that would be selfish, I have to just do what I am told, and directed to do. No one will ever love me because I am not perfect enough and they will abandon me like my parents did. I cannot do that because I will fail and people will laugh and throw it in my face, say I am so stupid. I will never be married, or in a long term relationship because I risk being hurt and vulnerable, and because of all the above, they will just abandon me when they find out who I truly am.... I will never make money because it is more than I deserve. I do not deserve to even be alive."
Can you believe this story? No wonder I struggle in EVERY area of my life. If I convince myself that I cannot do video's about my business because I don't want people to think I am an idiot, do you think they will give a damn about who I am, or my business or about my awesome equipment that could help them? HELL NO. Not when I am already failing myself before I even distribute a video.
How about that, "I do not even deserve to be alive." When you want to heal, you have to dive in deep, and I thought it was a forgotten thought, deep in the depths of Hell that I climbed out of. Many times I tried to rid this world of myself, Angels saved me, each and every time. One of those Angels being my child. Did I just tell you my truth?! Yes, Angels. Why do you think I have Angels tattooed on my forearm, to look cool? No. Those are a symbolic part of who I am. I was a "cutter" as a kid, and the Angels are the symbol of my salvation from the depths of that Hell.
Who says I don't deserve anyway!?? God? Hell no, God made me perfect. It is what I have convinced myself over and over as a child into adulthood because of the way I was treated. I was abused, abandoned, neglected, and emotionally beat down. This is exactly what I know to do to myself, everyday, because it is what I thought I deserved. It is comfortable, a stupid story that I hang on to because I have not let go. Well today, I am cleaning house of that horrible, traumatic story because I DO DESERVE a life that I dream. I will have the life full of abundance, love, joy, and peace. I will love myself and those around me unconditionally. I will live the life I have always deserved.
What an incredible Soul break-through.....
Wednesday I had a kick-butt workout! Legs/Chest/Tricep:
5lb Dumbbells 3@12 reps:
Ball Wall Squats
Single arm Tricep crossovers
Kettlebell Swing 9lb's 3@12 reps
Kettlebell overhead tricep press 9lb's 3@12 reps
PurMotion Sling Push-ups 3@12
Bench Step-ups 3@12 each leg
15lb bar 3@12 reps:
Narrow chest press
PurMotion WarHammer 7lb bar 2@12 reps
Single arm wide shoulder fly's
Leg Extension/Hamstring Curl Machine 3@12 reps
Medium heavy band: chest press & tricep kickbacks
I will be completely honest, my nutrition has been out of sorts for two days. I haven't had any candy, just cookies....
It is Thursday evening and I log this journal entry early because I will be opening my gym at 5:00 am, and with my incredible break through and exposure to you, I had to get it done.
This has been an incredible journey, and especially in the 3 years I started. I thank you so much for reading, much love,
Body Fit by Lynette, LLC dba BODY FIT GYM
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